What I Learned This Week - 1/18/13

1.  Whenever I see someone type "lol", my committee screams, "Oh look! A drowning man!". If someone types "*lol*", my committee points and screams, "OH NO! A drowning cheerleader! Save the cheerleader, save the world!"
2. Nothing screws with your work day more than oversleeping.
3. It still boggles my mind that it is possible for both my wife and I to sleep through my alarm, yet be jolted out of bed by the faint jingle of a dog collar in the distance knowing it needs to go out.
4. If you really want an elevator full of tourists mad at you just state, "There are far too many people on earth - we need a new plague"
5. The Squatty Potty (http://www.squattypotty.com) disturbs me and intrigues me at the same time.
6. The exploitation of epidemics has gone too far. My local liquor store has a fish bowl filled with tiny bottles of whisky advertising them as, "Irish Flu Shots $2.99".
7. I find it funny that IBM’s Watson computer had parts of its memory cleared this week after developing an acute case of potty mouth because it had access to Urban Dictionary. 
8. I am secretly thankful of friends who let me drive their hot rods because they are too lazy to move it from blocking access to my garage.
9. I have discovered that I am not alone in being "guilted" into physical activities with a certain friendship circle. By "guilted" I mean an excuse to post my GPS data of a run or a bike because it's cool technology and not a brag. 
10. We have had four days of temps below 20F during the day and below zero at night, yet there are still flies in various areas of my house. 
11. I can confirm home is the place where dog hair sticks to everything but the dog.
12.  If I make the Chewbacca noise, inevitably one of my kids with come close to vomitting trying to make the noise on their own.
13. 80's singing sensation, Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his vast movie collection except for one. Apparently, he will never give you "UP".
14. There is no place more inopportune to remember a funny joke or event that makes you laugh aloud than a public urinal as another man unzips in the urinal beside you.
15. When a guy in a stall next to me asks me, "Hey man - Why are you laughing at your junk?" I will cry and not be able to breathe for a good fifteen minutes.
16. A group of global scientists have moved the Doomsday Clock one minute closer to midnight or global disaster because world leaders (mostly China) have not addressed the issue of man-made climate change. The clock now holds at five minutes to midnight. I believe it is really because Lindsay Lohan is still not in jail and Snooki and the Kardashians are parents.
17. Don't try to understand women. Most women understand women and they hate each other.
18. The AMD Radeon HD 7990 video card that was released this week has the computing power of my first six computers combined and has almost as many fans. You won't believe how good Facebook looks with it.
19. Muhammad Ali threw away the gold medal he earned in the 1960 Olympics after he was refused service in a public diner because of his race.
20. I now do things publicly just to amuse myself. For some reason I've been responding to a majority friends posts with "ERMAGHERD...whatever", for no other reason than I thought it was funny. I had to stop myself when someone posted about a major wellness milestone and I began to type ERMAGh.......in my head it is hilarious. 
21. Mensa is offering its home test for free during the month of January. Sadly, they weren't smart enough to predict the volume of influx of people wanting to take their test and their server crashed. As of this writing its been down for three days. I find that hilarious.
22. As I get older, I am learning to love the brazen nature of some people. A coworker called to a man in his early thirties wearing the belt of his pants slung at mid thigh and stated to him, "Dude, your diaper is full". This was loud enough that the majority of the queue of people waiting to be processed through airport security screening turned to look . 
23. My geek laugh cannot be contained when I see advertisements for specialty pies for only "$3.14". **insert Lewis Skolnick laugh here**
24. The White House officially responded to the Engineer that had a petition for the U.S. to build a real Death Star. Their response is kind of funny and yet has me thinking, "isn't that sort of what you did with the bail-out money?". There is probably an "Obama I'm your father" joke in there somewhere.
25. The Empire responded to the White House’s rejection of the Death Star and called out Earth for being a coward.
26. Star Wars has an official blog. I have no idea why I am actually surprised.
27. A sneeze contains roughly 200,000,000 germs. Most hand sanitizers claim to kill 99.99% of germs. I did the math, then stated aloud, "that's a lot of germs left"
28. A student at MIT has invented an ice cube that tells you when you've had too much to drink. Let that sink in. How many college kids put ice IN their beer bottles/cans/kegs? 
29. I am not allowed to laugh or poke fun at any of my wife's choices, because as she reminds me, I was/am one of them.
30. I’m surprised at the amount of people that are surprised I'm not or have ever been a Lance fan.