What I Learned This Week - 11/11/16

1.  398 days until Star Wars - Episode VIII is in theaters. 
2. Batman only fights crime at night because otherwise he would have obvious and weird tan lines from his mask. #WouldNeedAGoatee
3. It’s easy to find “extra virgin olive oil” but very difficult to find “very experienced olive oil”. #DoesNotMirrorCollege
4. You will get to have a “special talk” with the nurse if you fill out the medical history portion of the required forms with “Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928 and referred to it ‘mold juice’ before it was properly named”.
5. You might not have an authentic copy of a Pilates video if it contains an unexpected death scene. #DontBendThatWay
6. If you are a speaker at a conference with a wireless microphone and forget to turn off that microphone when using the restroom, avoid referring to the urinal as a “thirsty boy”. #EvenIfItsTrue
7. My kids don’t like it when they exclaim, “this is not fair!” and I tell them that they need a thicker accent if they want to sound like a Russian guy that got bad directions to the fair. 
8. My kids are only allowed to slam the doors by yelling, “Jim Morrison was overrated!!” #truth
9. In the “reason for leaving lob” portion of an application for employment, one should not use the phrase “I crap you not”. #IWillLaughThough
10. Best response to the standard job interview question of “describe yourself in a single word”….”hired”. 
11. If you wear a clown mask to bed, your kids will stop visiting you in the middle of the night. #SoWillTheWife
12. Pay phones are disappearing from public places to make it impossible to escape from the Matrix. #BeAfraid
13. You can’t change the volume of the voice inside your head. #StopYelling