What I Learned this Week 7/7/23

1.  No matter how polite, charming, and confident you are, you will always be someone's weird coworker. #sigh
2. After reading about the silent film era I found the word "talkie" funny then came to the sudden realization that the word "movie" isn't any better. #Filmie
3. I don't know why Head & Shoulders doesn't have a body wash named "Knees & Toes". #FullOfIdeas
4. My new favorite word is "spuddle" which accurately defines how my day goes before coffee. #truth
5. Most people take it for granted that their finger diameter grows proportional to their nasal opening. #PickAWinner
6. If you hear weird noises in your house at night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance. #maybe
7. My brain hurts trying to figure out why being "up for something" and "down for something" mean the same thing. #PerspectiveProbably
8. Smelling is just breathing that had a side quest. #OooWhatDoWeHaveHere
9. If you can't tell which family member is coming down the stairs by the cadence and weight of their footsteps, they are not family. #DogsToo 
10. You know you're an introvert when you have inside jokes with yourself. #ImReallyFunny
11. Whenever I tell someone I couldn't hear what they said, they always end up repeating the one part I actually heard and I have to ask again. #What
12. Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but when a tall person asks a shorter person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it's insulting. #ButStillFunnny
13. The trick to falling asleep is getting really good at pretending to be asleep. #SortOf
14. Every word that has ever existed was at one point complete nonsense until someone gave it a definition and people just accept it. #Barniclasmoop #DealWithIt
15. Hearing "you're on mute" is embarrassing and will cause me to make faces at the camera, but it's not as embarrassing as hearing "you're not on mute". #Oopsie
16. When you close one eye, you see nothing through that eye (not even black). But when you close both eyes, you see black. #MakeYouWink
17. The best part about playing trivia at a bar with friends is naming the team. #ThanksTim #PeriodicTabledancersFTW
18. If someone has an awkward moment, I'll forget about it almost immediately, but if I have an awkward moment, I think about it constantly for years. #Cringy
19. People would be a lot less fearful of childbirth if babies came out laughing rather than crying. #Maybe #ExceptEvilLaughs
20. I find it fascinating that when we sleep our brain makes up stories so good that we can be scared by them or give us hope for the next week. #WhyCan'tIDoThatAwake
21. If you're a guy that has recently had surgery on the nether-regions and have to use frozen peas to reduce swelling and you're not making jokes about "pea-ing yourself", you're just wasting everyone's time. #LookingAtYourKarl
22. I don't think I will ever tire of hearing thunder echo off the rockface of the hogback. #SoCoolAndEerie
23. An otter took a Californian's surfboard this week and I admire the interwebz belief that the otters are teaming with the orcas to take back the ocean. #BringOnTheSeaguls #GrandTheftOtter
24. According to my HR department, when a staff member comments to another coworker and his partner that their child will be immune to yo' mama jokes, I'm not supposed to interject "Yo' mama so ugly yo' dad has a husband". #ButIdid #TheyLaughed #ImSupposedToJustThinkIt
25. A friend pointed out that my previous comment about a "tongue depresser" implies the existence of a "tongue exciter" and this gives me more pause than it probably should. #NowAfraidOfErectTongue